PLAY ON WORDS
- ARBITRATOR: A cook who leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.
- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
- AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.
- Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
- BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
- BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
- Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by men.
- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
- CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
- COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
- ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
- EYEDROPPER: A clumsy opthalmologist.
- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
- Flatulence (n.), A smelly British apartment.
- Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
- Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
- HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
- LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
- Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
- MISTY: How golfers create divots.
- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
- Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
- PARADOX: Two physicians.
- PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
- PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
- Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.
- POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
- PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
- Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
- RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.
- RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
- SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
- SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.
- Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
- Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Obscure Scientific Conversion Factors
- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
- 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
- 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
- Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
- Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
- Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
- 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year
- 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
- 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
- Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
- 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
- Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
- Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
- 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
- 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
- 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
- 1000 ccs of wet socks = 1 literhosen
- 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
- 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
- 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
- 10 millipedes = 1 centipede
- 10 monologs = 5 dialogues
- 2 monograms = 1 diagram
- 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
- 2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
- 2 wharves = 1 paradox
- 52 cards = 1 decacards (or 10 cards = 1 decacards)