I want to warn you right now, there's some graphic language here. If there's a chance of a child walking up behind you and reading over your shoulder, stop now and come back later. If you're offended by four letter words hit the "back" button on your browser now.
Ready? Here we go!
A friend of mine asked me if I knew what C*Sex was and how it worked. The conversation went kinda like this.
She: What IS cybersex anyway?
Me: Well, how would *I* know???
She: You'd know better than I would! You're on here more.
Me: So? That doesn't mean I know about *that*!
She: I wanna know how to do it. Do you just hump your computer or what?
Me: {{blush}} Geez, I dunno. I doubt it. That doesn't sound right.
She: Do they type one handed or put a pencil in their teeth to type or what?
Me: I said I don't know!
She: Sounds pretty perverted to me.
Me: Sounds pretty funny to me LOL!
She: You mean you'd DO it?!?
Me: No no no... I just think if I did, I'd get the giggles.
She: You're sick.
Me: You're ugly.
She: You're retarded.
Me: You're stupid.
She: I gotta go.
Me: Me too.
She: Later!
Me: Back atcha!
Not too long after that, someone sent me the following dialogue. I don't know who wrote it. I wish I did so I could credit them. Anyway, it enlightened me... big time!!!
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I'm toned and perfect. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner - it smells a little funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to f**k me?
Wellhung: OK.
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidently rip a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do
you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back and undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a {{plop}}.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your cock.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out, nibbling on your ... umm ... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed, aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark. I'm lost. Where's the bedroom.
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing against each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off you glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ... in your ... you know ... woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide it in! F**k me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet, nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Whew! Well! Ok, so it didn't go too well for Sweetheart, but at least now I had some idea of what to do... not that I planned to do "it" but... uhh.. well, like they say, "Shit happens" and one night I found myself in a Powwow box... and I *think* I might have almost done "it." Maybe. I don't know for sure. What do you think?
ComeToPapa@hotmail.com: Hi Kaye! How are you?
Me: Hi... uhh, Papa? I'm ok. How are you?
(I'm thinking... Papa? How lame!)
ComeToPapa@hotmail.com: What are you doing?
Me: I'm reading your "I"... you're a programmer?
ComeToPapa@hotmail.com: Are you into CyberSex?
Me: Uhh.. no. Are you?
(eek!)
ComeToPapa@hotmail.com: Yeah! You should try it! You would like it.
Me: Nah... I don't think so. Thanks anyway.
(What a loser...)
ComeToPapa@hotmail.com: C'mon! No one would EVER know!
ComeToPapa@hotmail.com: Hello?
ComeToPapa@hotmail.com: Are you there?
Studly@paradise.com: Hi Kaye!
Me: Hi! uhhh.. Studly.
(Oh man! How'd HE get in here?)
Studly@paradise.com: I just wanted to tell you, I LOVE your homepage!
Me: OH! Really?
(How nice.. see? Don't judge someone by their handle!)
Studly@paradise.com: Yeah! I bet you're a lot of fun!
Me: Well...
(Hey! This guy's ok!)
Studly@paradise.com: C'mon.. you've been told that before, I'm sure!
Me: {{blush}} Well yeah.. thanks!
(Ooh, I like him!)
Studly@paradise.com: I bet you kiss good too.
Me: Uhhh...
(Uh-oh)
Studly@paradis.com: I'm kissing you now.
Me: Huh?
(Huh?)
Studly@paradise.com: I'm moving your hair ansdk lissing your beck.
Me: You're doing what?
(I've never had my beck lissed before. LOL!)
Studly@paradise.com: Meant kissing youur meck. ARe you kissing me tpp?
Me: Oh.. ummm. Well, ok. I uhh.. I'm lacking your oar.
(Oh shit!)
Studly@paradise.com: What?
Me: Oh. I meant licking your ear.
(How embarrassing!)
Studly@paradise.com: Oh. Weel, now I'm sneezing your beasts.
Me: Bless you.
(ROFL!)
Studly@paradise.com: Sorry. your shine iss so sofe!
Me: Hey! Leave my shine outta this.
(pffffft! LOL! )
Studly@paradis.com: I'm sorry. I meant your skin si so soft. Let'sstart ober. Take my hang.
Me: I will not!
(Wonder if he's 12?)
Studly@paradise.com: I meant habd. Hold my hand.
Me: Now how am I supposed to do that?
(I don't think I'm very good at this.)
Studly@paradise.com: Just take my hanbd and we';; f;y awya!
Me: Well, as long as it's not on Noethwest ailrines. I'm mad thatm.
(I'm missing something here.)
Studly@paradise.com: No darin'... we'll fl'ati ona coule to paaradise.
Me: Darin'? Is taht? umm.. Are you speaking French? I love French!
(Dang, I don't know what he's saying when he says it in English!)
Studly@paradise.com: We'll float. On a cloud. Damn. Can't ypepe tonighe.
Me: Oh. Well I... what wasss the wuwetstin?
(sheesh! I'm tired!)
Studly@paradise.com: We're floating on a clous and I'm kissing your mohtg deeplin.
Me: Damn! Why ya doin' that?
(He must be tired too.)
Studly@paradis.com: Your beasts are so large and frim!
Me: Really? I thought the zoo took away my large bearst.s.
(This is going nowhere.)
Studly@paradise.com: I would lobe to go to bea weith you.
Me: I would love to go to Cleveland with YOU.
(:::scratching my head:::)
Studly@paradise.com: My pens is throbbing with deslir for you.
Me: They is?
(::alt-tabbing to check my mail::)
Studly@paradise.com: I'm brahting hard.. what are youe waeaing?
Studly@paradise.com: Kaye?
Me: Oh sorry! I was umm.. slipping into somehtign moew comgortable.
(wow! 22 emails and I still haven't read the other 9!)
Studly@paradise.com: Oh tell me tell me.. what'are yoer swaeingin?
Me: pardon?
(cool! check out this whiteboard... you can draw pictures on it!)
Studly@paradis.com: your clothes.. what are your weaing?
Me: Oh you know. This really sheer, short, pink flinsy thane.. sheesh! you can see righe thriogh it!
(ha! I've got on that old dlannel granny gown!)
Studly@paradise.com: Oh God oh God.. do your habe a pictyre of you inti?
Me: Nah.. the only picture i habe is the onl whete I'm toatolly naked.
(Now WHY did I say that???)
Studly@paradise.com: I can't breaht.. you're so wonderadul..
Me: Hey Stufdly? I'm gonna go make some popcorn. Yu want some?
(I should tell him I won't be back...)
Studly@paradise.com: Popcorn> now? your'e kiddin'g? tell me your killing?
Me: It was nice to meetcha.. byr!
(I hope we have some Pepsi!)
Studly@paradise.com: hey!
Studly@paradise.com: Kate?
Studly@paradis.com:Hello?
This page was rescued from the Internet many years ago from a site that is now defunct. The author is unknown but I believe his first name was Ian.
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